I will feel so much better once I achieve at least minimal financial independence. Emotional independence might be nice too.
Life has improved since I’ve cut back so much on drinking. The first year of alcoholism was fun, but at this point, it’s just not anymore. It started as a pity party, but then the “party” part sort of faded away and all I was left with was a whole lot of self-pity. I’d sit on Facebook all night spilling my guts—fighting the urge to also vomit the contents therein—with endless drunken tales of how the world has wronged me. Since I’ve been drinking less, I haven’t completely humiliated myself in a few weeks now, and it feels really good. I have more self-esteem.
At nearly 25, though, something resembling a career track would be an excellent improvement. Shortly after college, back in Chicago, I somehow landed a job at one of the world’s biggest media agencies. I worked there about six months before leaving to spend a summer in Raleigh, North Carolina, and I haven’t been able to get back into the working world since.
As my desperation in the job hunt increases, my standards have to keep lowering. Seven months after relocating to Long Beach, I’m throwing my hands up and just desperately seeking any admin job. Forget that I have a degree and some experience. I’ll just start trying to be a secretary. We’ll see how many months go by before I aim even lower and go back to being a cashier. Seriously, shouldn’t I be a junior executive by now?
Today was supposed to be Day 1 of achieving a short list of simple, daily benchmarks my therapist and I set together. I’ve already failed, though, to wake up by noon, which is naturally first on the list. At least I showered within an hour of waking and washed some dishes.
I’m getting out a bit, though, too—drinking a lot of green tea at the hipster coffee shop, the Library. I refill the cup over and over and reread Wuthering Heights or enter data for my boyfriend’s small business. The doors of the Library are always wide open to the sidewalk and they play a lot of Kinks quietly.
What I love about Southern California is that you can tell when you’re near the ocean even without seeing it, because you can smell the brine and feel the dampness in the breeze.
Short-term goal: Spend more time outdoors.