Tag Archives: feminism

Rape culture

I was sexually assaulted again.  A couple weeks ago.  It was a friend of a friend.  It wasn’t as bad this time.  He didn’t pin me down and try to rape me, like the previous guy did, but he did repeatedly grope me as I tried to sleep–while each time I told him to get away from me–and he eventually put his hand in my pants.  And guess what?

It’s my fault.  Again.

I’m making it up for attention.  Again.

I’m making it up to get revenge on him.  Again.

I must’ve been leading him on.  Again.

I must’ve done something to deserve it.  Again.

If it really happened, I would’ve screamed.  Again.

If it really happened, I would’ve called the police.  Again.

It’s my fault again.  It’s always my fault.

And hey, bonus, here’s a new one: I must’ve fooled around with him willingly, then pretended it wasn’t consensual in the morning so my boyfriend couldn’t get mad at me.

These are the thoughts that people have had about me since I spoke up.  These are the thoughts that people have had about me, because a man believed he was entitled to my body, and I told him no.

Again.

Advertisements

Analyzing my abusive relationship

I did my best to convince myself and anyone I talked to that we were happy and in love, because if we weren’t, it didn’t make sense that I let him so blatantly take advantage of me.  Instead of calling the police so they could force him out of my apartment, I acted like I was making a choice to help the man I loved.  I was ashamed of myself for what I was letting him do to me, so I tried to deny it to myself.  I still carry that shame, even though I know I shouldn’t, because I regret the entire situation so much.  Damn it, I’m a feminist, for fuck’s sake!  My feminism is a huge part of my identity, so why would I let a man treat me that way?

Because he’s terrifyingly manipulative and deceptive, not just to romantic partners, but to his friends and family and even himself.  It was almost like mind control the way he got into my head and made me comply with whatever he wanted.  I constantly acted contrarily to my own best interests, and even my own mental health, because he had managed to gain control of me.

I’m changed for the worse because of him.  I know I need to go to therapy to process his abuse, but I keep putting it off because I don’t want to relive the pain.  I have PTSD and trust issues in a relationship now, as well as just recently developing occasional flashbacks to the way he’d beat my ass during sex until I cried, and I never told him to stop because I did whatever he wanted.

My boyfriend now is gentle as a lamb, a feminist, and a self-described beta male.  I know he would never intentionally hurt me.  But I can’t help having an underlying fear that anything is possible, because there was a time when I insisted that my ex was “a good man” too.  I’m not afraid of my boyfriend at all, but I’m afraid of the fact that I wasn’t afraid of my ex either, in the beginning.

Much more so, though, I’m afraid of unintentionally doing to Colin what my ex did to me.  I worry about it all the time, actually.  Because he’s so passive and always wants me to make the decisions, I’m so scared that I’m going to make choices for us that hurt him.  I’d hate myself forever if I hurt him in even a fraction of the way that Kevin hurt me.  This is something that haunts me constantly.  I’m paranoid of becoming the monster that Kevin is.  While I don’t think I have that much evil in me, I can’t help worrying about it.

Links Post

If you’re looking for a new recipe, this one is effing delicious.

I love Chicago music right now, and I love this band specifically (they don’t know that yet–shhh!).  A local journalist apparently feels the same.

The aforementioned handsome stranger from upstairs at Double Door came over for the weekend, so I googled, “what snacks should i get for my fwb,” and this hilarious Jezebel article was the result.*

Also from Jezebel, the best countries for tourists to get laid!

How independent can women be when they’re not single anymore?

Attempting to separate masculinity from misogyny.

Common myths about atheists debunked and explained.

*Really, though, hating new sex? That’s a thing? New sex is the best!

Street harassment

I’m very glad to see that street harassment has lately been getting the mainstream media attention it needs. Articles about it pop up all over my Facebook feed, and they’re not just from feminist groups. All sorts of publications and forums are weighing in–Playboy comes to mind as a particularly surprising one–and important discussions are being had, whether on TV or among friends.

(Then of course you have the obligatory Fox News panel continuing to insist that it should be a compliment when you’re standing in a small crowd at the bus stop and a guy rolls by in a truck laying on the horn and yells, “You sexy fucking bitch!” before speeding away like a coward, and you’re left there, shaken up and humiliated in a group of awkward strangers.)

Living in a questionable neighborhood and taking the CTA to work, I experience a variety of types of street harassment on a very regular basis, whether it’s milder forms like being pestered about what book I’m reading or what music I’m listening to, or the downright disturbing examples, like the 8-year-old boys who rode by on bikes shouting in their high-pitched, child voices about shoving their huge cocks up my tiny asshole. These are the daily reminders I get that many men see me as simply a sex object, and that by not sleeping with them, I become subject to their public ridicule and humiliation.

I read this article today about the University of Chicago student who suffers from PTSD after experiencing terrifying street harassment while studying abroad in India, and she highlighted numerous instances of men masturbating at her on public transportation. That, I thought, was brilliant phrasing–masturbating at her. We usually use the term “masturbate to,” talking about what gets us off. I masturbate to lesbian porn and Aerosmith songs and fantasies of all the weird, kinky shit my ungodly hot boyfriend is willing to do to/for me. But men on public transportation masturbate at women. It’s an affront. It’s a blatant attack on a woman’s comfort, security, and sexual privacy. Men knowingly make women unwilling participants in their sex acts, and they do it because they enjoy the sheer disgust and mental anguish it causes these women. This video mentioned a common trait of these offenders: the smirk. They smirk at their victims, because they get off on seeing how upset the women become. They victimize women because they hate them. It’s about offending women, not about finding them sexy.

And it is in no way, under any circumstances, flattering.

Someone recently lamented that #notallmen (blah) are creepy, and sometimes men just want to say hi to a woman on the street, but women always react negatively to this and butbut what about teh menz??? It’s true, women do assume that all men who say hi to them on the street are creepy. Because, the thing is, most of them are. So here’s what you do if you want to say hi to a woman on the street: you keep your stupid mouth shut. She doesn’t want to hear it. You may be the friendliest guy in the world and totally not a rapist, but you shut your fucking mouth and do not say hi. She does not care about you or your intense desire to greet her. Leave her the fuck alone, and go on with your day.

This is one of the smartest things I’ve read in some time

Our sexual market is such that men are expected to do most of the pursuing and women are supposed to be more reticient, and this can feel for men who find it frustrating to be rejected like women just want it [sex] less. But it’s actually just a result of the system. Men only hit on women they find attractive, so they get a skewed perception of how that works. Just because a man hits you up doesn’t make him hot, you know. If women hit on men more, maybe men would notice that they don’t actually want to fuck every woman they meet, because they mentally just exclude women they don’t find attractive from the category “women”.

Full article here, by Amanda Marcotte.

Douching

There’s this new commercial out for Summer’s Eve in which a guy accidentally uses his girlfriend’s vaginal wash as soap in the shower, and then he goes on a big manly man-spree to prove his manliness because he’s so appalled that he got lady stuff on himself.  He’s, like, all feminized now.  The horror!

So, this commercial is doubly offensive.  First, it implies that it’s so super embarrassing for a guy to use a product meant for women, because that’s damaging to his masculinity, and masculinity is wonderful and powerful while femininity is inferior.  But, of course, secondly it’s offensive just because douching is a thing.

Douching is bad for you.  I think we all know that douches are basically vagina poison.  But for some reason, a good amount of women still do it.  I can’t wrap my head around this.  If you douche, I’m not gonna say you’re wrong…but you’re wrong.  There’s nothing okay about putting harmful chemicals into your vagina, damaging the delicate tissues and altering the pH and leaving yourself vulnerable to nasty infections.  This shit is oppressive!

Truth is, it’s normal for the vag to have a little bit of a smell.  If it’s a strong smell, you probably didn’t wash well enough or maybe you need to go to the doctor.  But, like, leaving a scent on your fingers after you touch yourself down there?  That’s supposed to happen.  That’s normal.  Hell, haven’t you noticed that guys have a bit of an odor down there too?  Yeah, it’s part of being human.  Get used to it.

As feminists often say, what did your poor vagina ever do to you?  What did she do to deserve this?  Well, actually, considering the amount of problems mine has given me over the years, I think of her as kind of a crotchety (heh) bitch, but I know that introducing flower-scented chemicals certainly won’t improve the situation.  Nobody’s vagina likes that.  Just wash it with water.  Give the poor thing a break.

Links Post

Fewer women are changing their last names after marriage!  And, they’re perceived as smarter for it!  Hooray for feminism and personal identity!

Concert etiquette. 

Just when I thought Cosmo couldn’t get any more absurd and offensive, I learned that Cosmo for Latinas exists.

Funny notes from little kids.

Someday when I’m not too poor to even buy regular soap, I’m totally going to be all about making my own, organic, natural beauty supplies.

Affordable travel ideas for 2014.  Of course, “affordable” is relative.

And just in case you somehow managed to forget, Downton Abbey is back!