I cut myself this weekend for the first time since probably July or so. Guess I haven’t moved past that yet. Actually, I use the term “cutting” because people understand it, but I scratch rather than cut. Slitting my skin with a razor blade has never appealed to me. That sort of sensation isn’t one I find enjoyable. This time I guess I barely even did anything, because there were hardly any marks the next day. I was just drinking and tracing out lines on my forearm in a way that I wanted the marks to look. A rough draft of fine lines that I’d dig deeper once I got it right. But I never did get it right, so I just went to bed. I guess I’m a quitter. *cue music*
My life is almost always really good now. I’ve felt so much happier since I moved home and got my life back on track. My dreams are manifested all around me every day, and I’m so grateful. For the first time in so many years, I’m making real accomplishments, and I know that when I’m old I’ll look back on these days and feel truly proud of what I’ve done. I’m one of the lucky few, achieving my lifelong goals.
That’s not the problem I was dealing with a couple days ago. I’m not in a depression by any means, but I was depressed. See, I can only handle so much rejection in a row–being turned down for jobs and stood up on dates and abandoned by friends–before I lose it and crawl down into my little hole to rock back and forth. I have no shortage of insecurities, as we all do, but they’re very specific. I’m not insecure in some sort of broad, sweeping way. In a lot of ways, I’m secure to the point of conceit and arrogance. But a series of negative events can happen and then it’s, “CRYSTAL DIAMANTE’S UTTERLY LEGENDARY REJECTION ISSUES ARE BACK IN THE PICTURE!” and there’s no escaping them when they come. My insecurities stem from continuous rejection. When bad things happen, they remind me to only ever expect the worst, the bare minimum from people and from life itself.
I suppose, since that’s the case, I should be even prouder of all I’ve done for myself in the past few months. That’s good.