I am so unbelievably lucky that rock and roll never forgets. If it did, I’d be fucked. But fortunately, I’ve reconnected to at least some degree with all my old rock friends from the Chicago circuit. And I’ve been spending time with some of them, plus making tons of new friends. It’s been fantastic, and my life has never been better. The fact that I’m doing it all myself is beyond mind-blowing.
I don’t like to publicly namedrop, stemming from my high school years and rumors and all that bullshit, but I guess most of my friends/readers probably know and remember at this point that I’ve been spending some romantic time with an ex-member of Chicago’s former hometown heroes the Redwalls. Pair up a guy from a slightly famous band with a girl from a slightly famous groupie group, and it might stick in people’s heads a little. Anyhoo, that’s all good, and we’ve been having some fun for the past couple months or whatever. Mostly I just get drunk and stupid, but there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s sweet and cool and we like to party in a lighthearted and noncommital sort of way. It is what it is for now.
It’s interesting how great I feel about my life since I’ve been home, despite the fact that my financial situation is far from ideal. But I’ve finally regained a sense of inner peace that I haven’t had for a couple years now. I was always restless, always looking for more. Now I have it all! I can be myself and enjoy it. I really am living the dream. I feel personally fulfilled and satisfied with my life, and that means a lot more than having material things.
One thing I’ve gotta say is that it’s nice not to have to hide things anymore. I don’t do it now. I mean, I’ve only had two actual boyfriends who were musicians–one for a very long time and one for a very short time–but I always felt like I had to keep secret or downplay stuff I’d done. I had to hide my rock and roll history or reputation or whatever. My rock and roll record, as Ian Hunter once punned. I don’t do that anymore–not only because I don’t want to, but because I haven’t had to. People are cool about it. They’re not threatened.
It scares me sometimes how much I’m still not over my ex cheating on me at all, even though it was such a long time ago. Actually, that’s how I broke my laptop. I was throwing a violent temper tantrum and spilled a full glass of water (yes, water) all over it. I’m not sure if the hurt will ever go away. I’m not sure how fully I’ll ever be able to trust someone; but then again, since the relationship taught me not to want monogamy anymore, I guess I don’t have to trust anyone. Monogamy must’ve been invented by someone who couldn’t get laid. Nobody likes it, and it’s just a trap set by people who feel threatened.
I’m finally feeling good and settled. It’s funny, but even though my life is more unpredictable and just plain ridiculous than ever, I feel so much more at peace. I feel relaxed, comforted, and content with the direction my life is taking. I’m poor and struggling and I live with my parents, but my life is finally going the right way. Every single day is a badass rock and roll party. It never ends. And even though I have no sense of stability whatsoever, I have an endless supply of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I’m the luckiest girl in the world!
Tomorrow, for New Year’s, I won’t have my own place or a secure job. But I’ll have cheap booze, maybe coke, probably a cute rocker, some fatty foods, and a comfy bed. I really couldn’t ask for anything more. I’m truly happy for the first time in quite awhile.