Recently I was an extra for the show Chicago Fire. I’ll be in the tenth episode this season, just FYI. Anyhow, I remember joking with my family beforehand about how maybe I’d meet some cute actor and get his number.
But of course, the reality is that I’d never be truly happy dating an actor. That’s obvious enough, and that’s why it was just a joke with my parents. I could meet some handsome TV guy, sure, and we could hit it off. Then the initial excitement would fade and I’d be like, “So really, where are all your guitars?” That’s just how it is. That’s me.
I didn’t choose this, you know. The groupie thing. I didn’t wake up one day and decide, “Hey, I should limit my taste to one very specific and hard to find type of man.” It was always what I wanted, and that’s how I learned more about the groupie lifestyle.
I’m with the Band isn’t required reading in high school, but I studied it and Rebel Heart and Hollywood Diaries and so much more, because it was who I already was and what I needed to discover more about. I didn’t find out about my heroines and then decide to be like them. I found out about them because I already was like them.
It’s not like I’ve never been into other guys, “normal guys.” Of course I have. I’ve had some very strong feelings for non-musicians throughout my life. But I never tried to date them seriously. I knew it would never work. I may have cared about them, but I knew it couldn’t endure the test of time.
Why? I can’t explain it. I realize it’s strange, and maybe even shallow. But it doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels very real and genuine. It’s not about status, fame, or the image. It’s about rock and roll. It’s about love and passion and intensity. And, I suppose, it’s about being in awe of my man. That’s so important to me, in terms of attraction. I need to be impressed. I need to be blown away.
I know it’s only rock and roll, but I like it. I really do. Is it wrong for me to be attracted to the men who make it? I don’t think it is. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I think it gives me a certain sort of integrity. The fact that I could only ever commit to a rock and roller really indicates something about who I am as an individual.
I don’t want to make apologies anymore. I’ve made apologies so many times, and I’m sick of it. I’m not sorry for being a groupie. I’m not sorry for being attracted to guys in rock bands. When it comes down to it, they’re the only ones who get me. They’re the only ones I relate to.
Is that really something to be ashamed of?