Nothing Is My Own

I’ve always known I was a selfish person.  No way I could deny that one.  But, I think that my current selfish attitude toward life in general is a result of the fact that I have nothing to show for my 24 years on this earth.  I can’t be proud of my accomplishments, because I’ve never accomplished anything.  I’ve always been a dependent.

It bothers me that nothing is mine.  I’ve never owned anything meaningful as a result of my hard work.  All I really have is this laptop, some clothes, and a few assorted homegoods, and these things were gifts (#firstworldproblems).  I don’t have money or a career or anything that lends in any way to independence or pride.

When I was doing data entry for my boyfriend’s company, even though it was still his company, I felt that I was doing something that mattered at least slightly.  Rebilling invoices won’t change the world, but at least I was making a contribution.  What I was doing had an impact.  It helped a little bit.

I want a sense of purpose again someday.  And, yeah, I want it to be a lot more meaningful than some stupid job.  A job will never define me, that’s for sure.

I’ve never had the chance to be brave and do something big on my own—like maybe tour Central America or renovate a fixer-upper.  Granted, I know I’m shy and highly sensitive, so I sometimes need to be coddled through life transitions.  But I also like to be challenged and experiment with new things, without other people breathing down my neck and telling me I’m doing it wrong.  Like I said, I’m selfish.  Sometimes I just want things for me.  I want my own things, my own experiences, my own accomplishments.

Pretty sure I’ll never have them, though.

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4 thoughts on “Nothing Is My Own

  1. jumbledwriter

    I am sorry to hear that you are in a quarter-life crisis (I definitely believe such things exist). Just remember that even the act of writing and publishing your words through this blog can be a way to reach out to other people and make a positive impact, which is certainly an accomplishment.
    –JW

    Reply
    1. crystalscrisis Post author

      Thank you! I’m definitely going to write my autobiography someday. I started a couple novels throughout my teen years but never finished them. I do want to get in the habit of writing more regularly, though.

      Reply

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